The Replica Read online

  'The Replica'

  by Ferro Gabro

  Smashwords Edition

  Copyright © Ferro Gabro 2010

  Smashwords Edition, License Notes:

  Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome (actually encouraged) to share it with your friends, but not allowed to sell it in any way or format. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

  'The Replica'

  Our simultaneous collapse into the clutches of infatuation started only moments after we met. From the following day we already needed to see each other regularly. Our relationship started quickly, effortlessly and without any resistance.

  Friction soon became a necessary part of our interaction. We fought a lot but continued to live together mostly happily, until one day when both of us subconsciously realized that the love that had been so strong between us at one stage had finally reached its expiry date.

  Contradictory to the way we had met, the termination of what we once called 'us' was a tedious process. It was one of those extended, painful tortures which only young lovers are able to submit themselves to. We didn’t want to admit that it was over, that our love was a failure.

  Now that I look back at the conclusion of our time together I realize that it was fear that kept us connected during the separation - the time of letting go. Both of us were scared that we would also be considered as failures on that day when we finally said the last farewell and stepped away from the number one spot in each other's lives.

  We believed in so many things during those years we spent as a couple. One of the ideals both of us strived for was to live in peace with ourselves and others. Why had it then become so difficult to live amicably together? Weren’t we supposed to love each other more than all other people on earth? Why and how did that change so subtly over time?

  I now believe that both of us were still looking for love, although we didn’t realize that we had actually already found it in each other. Our age made us doubt.

  'You are too young,' age said.

  That warning convinced us to wait, to be dissatisfied with each other.

  'The future will bring you someone better,' age whispered, further strengthening our hesitation to continue our lives together.

  There was only one problem: I couldn’t picture a life without Julia. Just thinking about it filled me with a sadness that instantly spread through my whole being. That feeling was accompanied by cold fear, followed by immense anxiety to be alone. It was unthinkable to be rejected by, as I believed then, the first and only person I had ever really loved romantically. I knew she also felt the same way about me. She had assured me numerous times that she had also never felt like that about anyone else.

  Surprise was one of the more pleasant emotions I experienced on the day when I realized we were saying our last farewell. Although it was busy happening I was unwilling to accept it. I didn’t want to admit that it was reality. How can you let the love of your life slip away so easily after six years together? Especially after you had invested so many emotions and time to try and make it work.

  How was I supposed to continue with my life on my own? For a very long time it had no longer been only me, it had become us. We had merged and became a part of each other. When I saw her leave a piece of me also disappeared. I believed that I would never see her nor that part of myself again.

  I felt robbed. What Julia had stolen from me was trust. How would I ever manage to believe a woman again when she told me she loved me? Especially when eternal love could come to such a sudden and painful end.

  After her departure from my life I was destroyed. I knew I was still alive but the real me had faded away. It stood in the shadows, obscured from view. My emotions were so confused that I often believed that it actually belonged to someone else. But unfortunately it was still part of me. I repeatedly tried to sever myself from my feelings. I desired to put some distance between me and those unwelcome emotions. I wanted to run away to a place where it couldn’t follow me. Once in a while I succeeded to evade them, but only for brief moments of escape.

  The omnipresent sadness that had invaded me was later joined by anger. At first it wasn’t too strong, was kept under the surface by my feelings of loss. But gradually it grew into something immense and furious. It raged within me, stormed around like a barbed wire tornado. After a while the pain and anger became so overwhelming that I had to switch it off to survive.

  This wasn’t easy to achieve. My natural emotional defense mechanisms took their time before they started protecting me, as if they wanted me to go into complete emotional shock before they would allow me to shut down.

  One afternoon while I was busy switching off the computer it asked me: 'Do you want to shut down now?' I chose yes. Moments later the machine was off. I immediately wondered if the same procedure couldn’t be applied to one's life.

  Thus I found the answer to the discontinuation of my emotional torment. It was simple: just shut down completely. Become like a computer. In that way one could decide for yourself when - if ever - you wanted to feel anything again. On that day one could just switch your feelings back on. But I knew that the situation would have to be perfect for a complete restart. Otherwise I was destined to live the life of a typical neutral human being. I chose to become like a machine and lived in that manner from that day onward.

  At the beginning neutrality was new to me. During my relationship with Julia I experienced both extreme highs and lows, rarely any form of neutrality. I became so used to the intensity of that emotional life that I considered it as normal. Julia had taught me to accept that strange balance between complete happiness which I sometimes felt in her presence and the familiar experience of personal annihilation that she often subjected me to.

  Although neutrality provided me with safety and a degree of comfort I realized after some time that something was missing in my life. Was it love? And if that was it, was it love for a woman, or love in general, for myself, others and life? Or did I simply miss the presence of a multitude of normal emotions? I started wondering if it was really necessary for a human being to be exposed to different, sometimes conflicting emotions on a daily basis.

  Months later, after a long and difficult time of consideration, I decided to go and see a psychologist. It was the first time in my life I would go and see someone like that. I had my doubts about the intended visit and decided to keep it secret. If none of my acquaintances knew about my appointment nobody would ask questions about my mental and emotional health.

  'There is nothing wrong with me,' was one of the first things I said to the receptionist. 'I just want to talk to someone who can understand.'

  'Of course. You don’t have to explain that to me. Most of Doc's patients are healthy, they just lack communication in their lives,' the friendly woman said.

  I made the appointment for the next week.

  In my car on the way to the doctor I was overcome by nervousness. I nearly turned around. What was I going to tell the shrink? That I missed my previous girlfriend? That I couldn’t live without her? How pathetic.

  For some reason I continued driving. I stopped outside the doctor's consulting rooms and forced myself to go in. The genuine smile on the receptionist's pretty face put me at ease immediately.

  'Please fill in this form,' she said and handed it to me. 'Can I offer you something to drink?'

  'No thanks,' I lied. Actually my mouth was as dry as hot desert sand.

  'Please have a seat. Doc will see you as soon as you have finished filling in that form.'

  I completed the form and returned i
t to the receptionist.

  'Doc is just busy on the phone. You can go in as soon as he stops talking,' she said and looked at the switchboard.

  I sat down again and listened to the soft classical music that played in the peach colored waiting room. The walls were decorated with various artworks and photos of animals and nature. It was obvious that the doctor wanted to create a relaxed atmosphere. On the coffee table in front of me I saw the covers of various magazines. One was called Amateur Scientist. I had never heard of it before.

  Those science magazines looked out of place in that room. Out of curiosity I picked one up and started paging through it. It was clear that the articles were closer to science fiction than to real science. One article dealt with a new mobile phone that was designed by a famous scientist that I didn’t know. What made the phone unique was that it couldn’t be used to speak to people on earth. It was invented to communicate exclusively with inhabitants of a planet called Zurgomba. The scientist was of course the only earthling that could understand Zurgombian. On top of that the Zurgombians also didn’t trust any other humans. They were only willing to communicate with that one special scientist.

  One other article described the life of a dog with an iron heart and another told the story of a woman with a computer brain. Her human brain had been completely replaced by an electronic one. Apparently her thoughts were much more logical than before. She was even able to read roadmaps. Her husband was very impressed that she no longer got lost so easily.

  Just before I was able to read an article about a robotic woman, I was invited to enter the doctor's consulting room. I put the magazine down and walked to the closed door. There I stopped, uncertain of what to do.

  'Just enter. He's expecting you,' the receptionist said.

  I pushed the door open and entered a spacious room. The doctor sat behind a huge wooden desk. The first thing that struck me was his age. He must have been at least eighty, if not older. I was surprised that he was still working at that advanced age. Maybe he was a workaholic and continued to work in order to stay focused.

  He stared at me through the thick lenses of his glasses without saying a word or uttering any other sound. He moved his right hand slowly over his bald head as if he was thinking of something important. Although he looked at me directly it was difficult to determine if he was aware of my presence. I decided to greet him first. He greeted me back in a friendly way.

  'You are going to get tired if you stand the whole time,' he said. 'Why don’t you sit down over there on a chair?'

  Although I found his offer to sit on a chair strange I immediately accepted it. I briefly wondered if he would have expected me to sit on the floor if he didn’t offer me a chair. Maybe it was a test to see if I was normal, but I wasn’t sure.

  After I sat down, there was silence again. He looked thoughtfully at me. What he tried to see in me was a mystery. He spoke again only moments before I started feeling uncomfortable.

  'What is wrong with you?' he asked.

  'Wrong?' I said, uncertain what he meant.

  'You see, usually people come to me knowing what it is that bothers them. They also actually already know how to solve it. All they really need to do is to share their imaginary ailment with someone else. Many people believe that I am a wise old man and that I would immediately see what's wrong in their lives. As soon as I confirm that I also notice their problem they instantly start feeling better. So I have to warn you. As you have already noticed, I am old. If age brought me wisdom is another question, one even I don’t have an answer for yet. All I can really offer you is to listen. So tell me your story, I have a lot of time. Well, actually just a little bit less than an hour, until the end of your session. But remember, there can always be a next session if you require another one. If after you have spoken you want my opinion I will willingly give it. But if you don’t like honesty I would suggest that you do all the talking. You are welcome to start as soon as you're ready. Oh yes, one last thing. I don’t expect you to call me doctor.'

  I liked his approach. If he was willing to be honest with me I decided to share my current situation with him as honestly as possible. For a few moments I wondered where to start.

  'You are completely right by saying that I know what's bothering me. Actually it's very simple. It's a woman. Or should I say, was? She's no longer part of my daily existence. The problem is that I don’t know how to finally let go of her. Although I suppress it, some feelings and thoughts about her still slip through my net into my consciousness. I often think that it's because I don’t really want to forget her. I'm struggling to accept that the time I spent with her has really ended, even though I know it has. I find it difficult to acknowledge that we will never be lovers or friends again. I can’t believe I'll never see her again, because she remains part of me. For some reason I can’t finally greet her. Emotionally I struggle to let her go in order to start looking for another woman.'

  I stopped talking and was quiet for a few moments while I thought about what I had just said.

  'Maybe it's exactly what I need. Something or somebody who can replace her. The question is just what. Or should I say who?'

  For the rest of my session I described my relationship with Julia in more detail. The doctor didn’t say much. Once in a while he only asked a leading question. He encouraged me to elaborate on certain aspects of our affair. I did most of the talking. It was like a monologue of memories.

  I was surprised that I was able to remember certain parts of our relationship. Some memories were very clear, close to me, while others were distant, hidden. Not all the shrouded memories were painful and I didn't understand why they were hiding. Some actually reminded me of a few of the best times I ever spent with Julia. While I was busy remembering our relationship out loud, I realized that I was making peace with many aspects of it.

  One thing I told the doctor that still remained within my heart was the missing. Some nights I had such vivid dreams about Julia that it was difficult to believe that it wasn’t reality when I woke up. Then I always reached out to the place where she previously slept, but she was no longer there. What I found strange were the remnants of her that still lay there next to me on her empty place. It was as if a part of her was really still there with me.

  The clock against the wall showed that my hour was over. It had passed very quickly.

  'You'll have to come back next week. It's obvious that you haven’t finished your story yet. What you can do in the meantime is to think again about everything you told me today. Try to link your thoughts to emotions. Make those feelings as specific and intense as possible, even if it is difficult to experience it again. Have a nice day. See you next week.'

  For the next seven days I thought continuously and obsessively about Julia. Sometimes I even thought about her while I was busy talking to someone else. In the mornings before I was completely awake my brain was already filled with thoughts of our failed relationship. During lunch my head was crowded with memories. Even at night I tried to understand what went wrong in my dreams.

  During my next session at the psychologist I had even more to say. I spoke incessantly. When my hour was over it felt as if I had only started speaking. There was still so much more to tell that I was disappointed when I had to leave the consultation room. I knew I had to wait another week until I could share the rest of it with Doc. It sounded like a very long time.

  In that way weeks sped by. Endless thoughts about Julia were followed by a session at the shrink. Then another week of ceaseless thoughts and memories. Then back to the doctor again. It was a new cycle.

  In time I was able to connect certain emotions to selected thoughts. Initially I was scared to feel too much. I was still unwilling to sacrifice the security of my neutral life. Wouldn’t some feelings attempt to destroy me?

  Three months passed like that. One day I no longer had anything left to say to the doctor. I had finished telling the story of Julia and I. I no longer had words with which to continue.

/>   'Is that all you wanted to tell me?' he said once I stopped talking.

  'Yes.'

  'Are you interested to hear what I think?'

  'Certainly.'

  'Remember, it's just a suggestion. Listen to it and then decide for yourself what you want to do about it.'

  'I'm listening.'

  'Good. During your first session you already found the answer to the solution of your current problem. That doesn’t mean that the subsequent sessions were unnecessary. Those follow-up sessions were very important for your thoughts and emotions as related to the relationship. It gave you the opportunity to make your inner world concrete, to bring the mysterious into the open and make it more understandable. I notice that you are struggling to remember what you said during that first session. That's to be understood. So many other things have been said since then. Do you want me to remind you?'

  'Please.'

  'It's very simple. You said that you should replace Julia with something or someone else. That is your answer right there.'

  'It sounds too simple.'

  'Remember, often the solution to a problem is much less complicated than expected. Yet, to find the right substitute in this case might be a bit more problematic. Once again it is only you who can decide who or what to use as replacement for the emptiness Julia left in your life after she left. You have many options. A new hobby always helps, or a journey abroad. You can even join a club in which you are interested. It's always easy to meet people like that. Do you have any ideas?'

  'No, not really. I have thought about it a lot but haven’t found anything so far.'

  'Can I make a suggestion?'

  'Yes, of course.'

  'Replace her with another woman.'

  'Another woman? No, that's the last option I would consider. I'm not ready for that yet.'

  'What are you saying? Are you still scared to get emotionally involved with someone else?'